swiss cheese

The Nose: Taylor, if you ever deface that 8th wonder of the world, we all might have to come down there to Tulsa and slap you around a little. (And then we could kiss it and make it better.)

The Eyebrow: Again, a body part so flawless in its arch, size and general structure that it would be a sin and a blasphemy to mess it up by shoving a nasty piece of titanium through it. Plus, the eyebrow piercing is a look that only works on a select few, namely, punks, ghetto superstars and um… punks. You aren't one of those, so just don't do it, k?

The Septum: Don't touch the nose already.

The Lip: I have one word for you. OK, how about one word and some numbers. Blink 182. Need I say more? No. I didn't think so.

The Bellybutton: Ew. First off, you're a boy. (Not that that's ever stopped you before…) Secondly, Britney just got hers done, and if that isn't enough to dissuade you, consider the following. You like to wear snug, body-hugging shirts. If you pierce the bellybutton, you will find yourself with a small unattractive bump in the middle of your body-hugging shirts. And you know what? It'll look stupid. I promise.

The Other Ear: Oh great. Draw more attention to the darn things. Like they weren't screaming LOOK AT ME already. Taylor, one was bad enough. Want to successfully silence the He's A Girl contingent? (Or at least don't blatantly provoke them.) Leave the other ear unmolested, so to speak.

The Same Ear: Overkill. Big time. Plus, where would you put it? At the bottom? Think of the precedent here. Jordan Knight. AJ Mclean. The Dog Brothers. Mr. Clean. Do you want to be counted among those ranks? Wait. Don't answer that.

Nipples, etc.: Thanks to the MOE 6 pictures, I'm quite not quite sure that Taylor has them, but if he does, it would be wise to leave them intact. This goes for any other body part that could be construed as sexual in any way. (I know. It's Taylor. His moles are sexual.) Why? Because this is Hanson for goodness sakes. Let's keep it a family show, all right?

Bottom Line:

Taylor honey, your body is too fabulous to deface with little pieces of metal. Anyone who looks like you needs no artificial ornamentation. Even clothes seem a bit presumptuous when you look like that. Like Billy Joel says, "We love you just the way you are."