fictional hanson

Merchant of Tulsa
(Mr. and Mrs. Hanson are in attendance with Mackie.)

The Cast:
Isaac – as himself
Taylor – played by Jessica
Zac – played by Avery
Fan #1 – played by Zac
Fan #2 – played by Taylor
Mystery guest/security guard – played by Christopher Sabec

The Props:
Three Doc Marten shoe boxes have each been painted a different metallic color: gold, silver and lead.

The Play:
Zac (Avery): I can’t believe Christopher wants us to find someone to go on a "dream date" with Isaac. (Rolls eyes, trying not to giggle.)

Taylor (Jessica): This is a cool way to pay our fans back for all that they’ve done for us so far . . . (serious)

Isaac: Easy for you to say, Taylor, when you don’t have to actually go out on a date with a FANatic. Maybe we could all go on this date together. Yeah . . . hmmm, we’re three guys in a band. I’ll talk to Christopher . . .

Zac: It’s only supposed to be for you, Ike. Only the girl who can pass Christopher’s evil box test can go out with you (wicked grin).

Isaac: I guess so. (Looking at his sisters playing his brothers) Besides, have you guys checked a mirror lately?  You're starting to look like girls. (Isaac glances at his parents.  They chuckle.) This game is starting to get old -- fast. I mean, did we have to post the contest on hansonline? And do we have to mention hansonline on every Yahoo! Chat? (Deep sigh)

Taylor: Ike, Ike. We'll find a girlfriend for you. Don't worry. (Jessica has to stop herself from laughing as she reads her lines.)

Isaac: A girlfriend? Who said anything about a girlfriend? We DON'T have girlfriends, Tay and we WON'T have 'em if we know what's good for us (smirking). I'm just looking for a beautiful woman to spend a nice evening with, if I actually have to go through with it.

Taylor: Who knows? Maybe there'll be some material for a song afterwards?

Zac: Guys, shhh, here comes another, eh, victim.

(Avery has to cover her mouth to keep from giggling as Zac enters dressed as a crazy fan. He has plastered pictures of his brothers and himself all over his clothes. Someone drew the Hanson "gang symbol" on his forehead and cheeks. MMMBop is written down both arms.)

Fan #1 (Zac): (gushing) Hey guyz! Itz so great to finally meet you! I just "ike" your music so much! Taynx for letting me try out for Ike's girlfriend.

Isaac: (mumbling) It's just one freakin' date . . .

Fan: My name is Gertrude, but that's not 'zacly what everybody calls me. They call me Madeline. YOU guys can probably guess why . . . (Pretends to bat his eyelashes flirtatiously while the "band" just stares at her.) Well, if you give up, it's from Track #11 -- "Madeline!" That's me! I'm the original Madeline. (Zac begins to spin.) "Here we go, here we go -- here we go 'round again . . . "

Taylor: Gertrude (cough) Madeline . . . take it easy there. (When Zac stops spinning.). You already know the rules to the contest, right?

Fan: Oh yeah . . . I check hansonline every hour . . . well, except when I'm sleeping . . . but sometimes, I get up, just to see if you guys are updating deep into the night.

Zac: (Avery says these lines like she's going to laugh) Just choose a box! If you get the one with Ike's picture, you're his date . . . Got it?

Fan: (Surprised with a disappointed look on his face) O-Tay, O-Tay or I could say "OK" as in Oklahoma (winks). Zachary Walker Hanson, you're absolutely right. I should just get on with it . . . (The rest of the actors glance at each other, trying to keep from laughing.). Hmmm . . . this gold box is the same color as your bee-u-ti-ful hair and very close to platinum, the color that your albums have been known to turn. hehe Let's see what does it say on top?

        "Who chooseth me shall gain what many fans desire."

Well, Clark Isaac Hanson -- you are what many fans desire. I think I'll choose Exhibit A here.

(Zac, the fan, opens the box and takes out the message, but continues to look for Isaac's picture. With a perplexed look, he reads the note aloud.)

Fan: "All that glistens is not gold." (Pretending to sob, but then recovering.) Oh, you boys are too smart for me. You are tricky -- I only use 10% of my brain, but you guys are completely wacky, you know that?

Taylor: Well, thanks for playing.

Zac: Buh-Bye!

(As he's leaving, he spins around.)

Fan: You guys ROCK!! (He makes the "peace" sign with his two fingers.  Zac comes running back, but a security guard catches him.)

Fan: (screaming) I forgot, would you guys sign my Hanson magnets and beanie babies. Hey -- can you hear me? (fades away as guard pulls him offstage.)

Isaac: That -- was frightening!

Taylor: I don't know. She seemed nice. (Jessica knows that Taylor has a reputation of an extreme charmer, so she reads her lines with a grin.)

Zac: (choking noises)

Taylor: Zac, Zac. Are you okay? 'Cause here comes another fan.

(Taylor comes in as Fan #2. She's an older lady with a MOE t-shirt on.)

Fan: Hey guys. My husband and kids wanted to come in too, but your security guys are pretty strict out there.

(The guys exchange looks.)

Zac: Uh, your husband doesn't mind if you, eh, win?

Fan: He knows it's just one date. It's not a big thing for him. Besides, he was hoping we could double with Liv Tyler if I win. You guys are friends with her, aren't you?

Isaac: We are NOT double-dating with anyone. Does that influence your being here at all? (hopefully)

Fan: Not at all. It's all cool. Well, let me get to it. all I have to do is choose a box, right? Hmmm . . . the gold one is too obvious. Let's see the silver one . . . now Isaac, your ring is silver, isn't it? That's got to be the one. It says,

        "Who chooseth me shall get as much as she deserves."

That sounds right.

(Taylor opens the box and pretends to swear, but apologizes. He pulls out the mirror inside and reads its inscription.)

Fan: "The portrait of a blinking fool." Isn't this just like a Shakespeare play I read once? What was it . . .? I went to college. I should know this . . .

Isaac: (relieved) Thanks for playing!

Taylor: You've been great.

Zac: Buh-Bye!

Fan: (Rummages through a bag.) Ooops, I almost forgot. I cross-stitched the covers of all your albums for you. The Live album was the hardest, but (He pulls some of his mother's cross stitchery out of the bag, and hands them to the "band" one by one.) here's: Boomerang, MMMBop, Middle of Nowhere, Snowed In, 3 Car Garage, and Live from Albertane. I'll send you the new one in the mail as soon as you release it. I just hope I can use some of the same colors . . . Bye now. (He leaves.)

Taylor: Do we have the BEST fans or what?

Isaac: Taylor, she was married and wanted to go out with an 18 year old? Her husband didn't have a problem with that -- that's called psycho!

Taylor: Ike, Ike. Don't mock the fans.

Zac: Guys, look! I think it's Cindy!

(Christopher, dressed to look like Cindy Crawford arrives.)

Zac: Cindy, what are you doing here?

Cindy: Hey guys! (Tay and Ike pretend to look awe-struck -- while Avery is about to go into a fit of laughter watching Christopher in a long brown wig.) Well, Zac, I heard you got to hang out with Heather Locklear on your birthday, so I thought I'd come see Isaac for his. (Addressing Isaac) You did just have a birthday a few weeks ago, right?

Isaac: (stuttering) Yeah, November, um, November, um . . .

Zac: 17th, Ike. It's the 17th.

Isaac: Oh yeah. But I turned 18.

Taylor: We're having a contest here for Isaac. The lucky girl who picks the right box gets to go out on a date with him. She gets to find out the answer to Hanson's "dream date" question that people always seem to want to know about. (Jessica rolls her eyes.)

Cindy: Oh, can I play?

Isaac: (casually) Sure. (He inadvertently starts pointing to the dull lead box while pretending to clear his throat.)

Cindy: Okay, no hints guys, okay? Hmmm . . . . This dull lead one looks like no one ever notices it. The other two are the easy choices -- they look like the best ones at first. What does the top of the lead one say,

        "Who chooseth me must give and hazard all she hath."

How smart are the three of you?  True love is giving yourself completely to someone else.  The scary part is that nobody's perfect. 

Zac: Come on, Cindy. We know you're perfect.

(Christopher ruffles Avery's hair.)

Cindy: Oh Zac . . . (Christopher opens the box to find Isaac's picture inside.)

Isaac: You won! Cindy, you won!

Cindy: Is that what your picture here means? Maybe we can all hang out -- you and your brothers. Just like old times.

Isaac: We-ell. It's technically a contest for a date with me, Cindy.

Taylor: Ike, you said yourself, you wished Zac and I were going on the date with you. Cindy, it's all settled then. How about tomorrow night, around seven-ish?

Zac: Ike, you can drive us. Cindy, will you take us to that piercing place this time?

Taylor: I'm thinking about getting an earring. I still have to talk my parents into it, but what do you think? (The real Taylor looks at his mom from offstage. She gives him a serious "We still have to talk" look.)

Cindy: That's very "in" right now, Taylor. I'll bring the candy. Don't worry about your complexion, Taylor.  About sugar damaging it -- that's a myth.   (Christopher grins and then leaves.)

Isaac: That's not the way the play goes, dorks. I'm supposed to end up marrying her!

Zac: Don't be sad Ike.  I didn't want to say anything when Cindy was here, but didn't you think she's starting to look like a man? (Avery starts to giggle.)

The End!

(Their parents applaud as the cast gathers onstage and link hands for a stage bow.)