Prose || If Only

Katie uses her knee to steer the car while she lights a cigarette. She doesn't know where she's headed, but knows that if she stays in her house, she'll go insane. She drives around aimlessly, various thoughts crossing her mind. On one hand, she has enough gas to head out to Isabela if she felt like it. On the other, she doesn't want to be alone. She calls her best friend and invites him along.

Zac doesn't smoke and hates it when she does, but as soon as he enters the car, he realizes today is not the day to lecture Katie about the dangers of smoking. He changes the CD -from Fiona to Led Zeppelin- and stares out the window. He doesn't know what to say; she looks so depressed, it makes him mad. He's mad at whoever did this to her. Probably her father, he thinks. He once had a dream of beating her father up for fucking Katie up. She's great, the most interesting and beautiful girl he's ever met, and she saw herself as a waste of space. He couldn't understand how a girl so brilliant would think so lowly of herself. He doesn't know what to do to make her feel better.

Katie watches the road with the half-smoked cigarette dangling from her lips. She wants him to say something, anything. She wants him to make her feel alive, feel like a normal person again. She invited him along so he could cheer her up, for crying out loud, not so he could stare out the window ignoring her. That's exactly her problem. Right there. The people she loves barely know she exists. They wouldn't care if she shot herself twice in the head and died. They'd probably be glad, she thought. She throws the butt out the window and goes to light another one. She feels his hand stop her, though. She looks at him out of the corner of her eye, wishing he'd say something instead of just taking her cigarettes away.

Zac hesitates before saying anything. He knows he should, she's driving around aimlessly, already passed two tollbooths. He should ask where they're headed. He should ask her to pull over so he can hug her. He should ask her to pull over so he can drive. He doesn't know what to do.

"Katie, where are we going?"
"Isabela."
"Now?"
"Yes."
"Ok."

Katie needs the beach. Right now. She'll have to wait another hour before getting there, though. If only she could have her cigarettes back. He's hidden them under his seat. At least he's not lecturing me, she thinks. If she wanted to be lectured, she would've stayed home tonight. She just needs to sit on the rocks at Jobos and stare at the ocean. Is that too much to ask? Some peace and quiet with nature around her and her best friend sitting next to her? She doesn't think so. She feels alone, even with Zac beside her. She presses her foot on the accelerator, a speeding ticket the last thing on her mind right now.

Zac realizes the extent of Katie's desperation to drive away just then. Driving to Isabela -a two-hour trip- in the middle of the night seemed a little odd to him. But he's here for her, no matter what. He's glad she called him. He doesn't want to think about the things that could've happened to her if she had decided to set out on this little trip on her own. He gives her back her cigarettes, a small smile playing on his lips. He doesn't feel like talking and, at least with the cigarette back in her hand, she can distract herself for a while.

Katie lights a cigarette and pulls a long drag. She lets the smoke out slowly; it swirls around her, making her eyes tear up. She doesn't want to cry. She doesn't want to scare Zac. He doesn't understand her emotions. She laughs at herself, thinking that no man understand women and their ability to cry at the drop of a needle. She looks at him briefly, his head against the window, eyes half-closed. She feels so lonely, right now. She always feels lonely, even when surrounded by friends. That's the sinking feeling in her stomach; the headache that consumes her head is only a projection of the loneliness she feels. She wants someone in her life that smiles just at the though that she's alive, that she's there next to them, that it's her voice at the other end of the line, that it's her car waiting outside the house. She's not that person to him, she knows that. She doesn't blame him though, given his past girlfriends, she's come to realize that she's not his type. He usually didn't go for slightly overweight, overly emotional, fucked up girls. But still, he's sitting beside her. That must count for something, right?

Zac looks at Katie and sighs. If only he could tell her just how much he loved her. If only he could take her in his arms and protect her from life. If only. If only he could make her see the beauty that's within her. If only he could make her realize what an amazing person she is. If only he could make her see herself through his eyes. If only he could convince her that no matter what, he would never leave her side. If only he could make her understand that she is the most important thing in his life. If only he could make her see the light that radiates from her smile. If only she knew he would be nothing without her.

Katie pulls up into a parking space. Finally, she thinks, peace and quiet. She locks the car after Zac gets out and starts walking towards her favorite spot in all of Puerto Rico. The rock formation overlooks the open ocean and all you can see is the sea and the sky; where they met, she couldn't make out. She sits down, pulls her knees up to her chin, and wraps her arms around herself. A tear slips down her cheek; she doesn't wipe it away. What was she doing here? Why is she feeling so helpless? Why can't she tell him what's in her mind? No. Doing that would mean ending the friendship. She doesn't want to damage the only good thing in her life, the only stable thing in her life. She can't afford to lose him. She's nothing without him.

Zac sits down beside Katie. Close enough so their legs brush together, but not too close as to cramp her space. She needs her space; he knows that. He wished he knew what to say. He stares at the ocean, the waves occasionally crashing against the rocks, and he realizes what he must do. He should go back to the car, listen to music, and leave her to her thoughts. He doesn't want to be a burden. Yeah, she's the one who called, but she probably needs to be alone. He starts getting up, when Katie looks at him.

"Where are you going?"
"Back to the car."
"Why?"
"I thought you needed to be alone."
"Don't. Stay here. Even if you don't say anything. I don't want to be alone."

Katie watches as he sits back down next to her, closer this time, she notices. She feels his warmth radiate from his body, his arm was resting on her leg. She sighs and turns back to looking at the ocean. Her and Zac never had uncomfortable silences. That's one of the things she loved about having him around. Even when in their heads a million thoughts were running without being voiced, they could just sit there and be comfortable just with the knowledge that there's someone there. Tears start flooding down her cheeks, faster and faster with each passing minute. She feels his arms wrap around her and collapses unto him.

"Make me feel special," she whispers, "Make me feel alive."